


Sobering

by blu_eyed_demon



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Ace Raphael, Addiction, Asexual Character, Blood Addiction, Gen, Magnus being fatherly, Missing Scene, NOT rizzy, Simon Lewis - Freeform, alec lightwood - Freeform, mentions, post episode, withdrawals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-06
Updated: 2017-03-06
Packaged: 2018-09-30 01:19:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10149863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blu_eyed_demon/pseuds/blu_eyed_demon
Summary: Post 2.09  Raphael's sobering up, going through withdrawals and realising what really matters to him.





	

 

Sometimes history really did repeat itself, Raphael thought as he slumped into a chair by his dining room table.  
  
Folding his arms, he lent forward and hid his face in them. Even so, he could feel Magnus's eyes on him. Judging him.  
  
He was supposed to be stronger than this, better.  
  
Now that the high was starting to wear off, all he was left with was the guilt and shame that burned him hotter than any cross or holy water.  
  
He didn't look up when the seat beside him was taken or when that person started to run their fingers through his hair. Even without enhanced senses he knew that it was Magnus, there was no one else left alive who would be so familiar and tender in their behaviour towards Raphael.  
  
"It's ok," Magnus told him in a soft voice, " I'm right here and I won't leave you."

Raphael could remember the first time that Magnus had made that promise to him and the memory only served to worsen the guilt and shame that he had allowed himself to fall so far again.  
He felt an almost human like churning in the stomach as he lifted his head just enough to mumble

"I'm sorry."  
  
"Oh _mijo_ , I know." Magnus didn't sound angry anymore, he just sounded sad. Disappointed.  
  
That old cliche that always hurt the worst.

Raphael had no vampire maker to turn to, his sainted mother was long gone and his father walked from his life before his 10th birthday. Magnus had become all three at once so many years ago.  
  
"I know how this started for her, or I think I do, but how did she do it?" Magnus asked, still stroking Raphael's hair. "Break your resolve?"  
  
To tell his side, Raphael made himself sit up. For a sentence or two he struggled with his words, the world was still in soft focus from his recent feed, but once he was in his stride the whole pathetic tale poured out.  
  
He tried to stick to the facts and to not simply excuse how quickly and easily he had caved when temptation had come knocking. She was not to blame completely, he'd had his part to play too in this mess so it would be unfair to paint himself a victim. Instead he treated it as a confession before God, he was long overdue for one.  
  


For his part, Magnus simply listened. When Raphael had first sat up to begin his explanation, the Warlock had conjured a warm, damp cloth and began cleaning the blood from Raphael's already healed wounds.  
  
He had just gotten to the part where Isabelle had come to him on the night of the party and had hurt  herself to get her way with him when Isabelle returned.  
  
"I told him I'm not going, I want to stay here." She announced, the door swinging shut behind her.  
  
Isabelle froze when she saw Magnus was still there. Her eyes, Raphael noticed for the first time, were too wide and darted wildly.  
  


Had they been like that all night? How had he not noticed before?  
  
"Why are you still here?" Isabelle demanded, quite rudely really and it was testament to how spaced he was still feeling that it took him quite some time to realise that she was addressing Magnus. "I told Alec to butt out, that means you too."  
  
Magnus sat up straight, visibly stiffening at her words. Raphael noticed this though it took him a few seconds longer than usual to do so. He really was off his game.  
  
"This may come as a shock to you Isabelle but I am not here for you."

“Huh,” Isabelle blinked and the fight visibly vanished from her demeanour as she crawled onto the plush sofa again. “If he's not here to judge us then you should come back over to me, Raphael.” She purred.  
  


Raphael blinked slowly and felt his jaw clench. It wasn't her seductive manner that had him stalling, she'd never noticed really that her overtly sexual flirtations meant very little to him. It was the smell of her blood, the most recent bite was unhealed and he could smell her angel blood thick in the air.

He gripped the table tightly, feeling the wood threatening to break under his fingers and shook his head.

 

“You should have gone with your brother.” He finally said and God in heaven did it take a lot of effort.

 

Isabelle sat up suddenly, looking pissed “What? Magnus, what the hell did you say to him? Why are you even here?”

 

Raphael found himself staring at her. How long had she looked this awful? He could still feel a little of the high in him but there was no joy from it now and it was like Magnus had turned on the lights and show him what this all truly was.

 

This had all started for him when he had tried to help Isabelle, she wasn't helped though. This wasn't helping, she was looking worse than ever and he...he didn't feel like himself either. Did he look that awful too?

 

“Yes.” Magnus told him, and Raphael jolted as he realised he'd said the question out loud.

 

“Isabelle, I've told you about my family. Magnus is family.” He told her, still fighting the urge to give into the intoxicating angel blood scent even as the idea of it made his stomach churn even worse.

 

He was vaguely aware of Isabelle saying something about not remembering any of that. He knew it was the high, the addiction, but he couldn't keep the hurt from his face. He'd shared things with her, had that not mattered to her?

 

“I see your point, Magnus.” Conceding that Magnus had been right about his claim to have feelings for Isabelle wasn't fun, who liked to admit they'd been high and stupid? But Raphael didn't have a moment to dwell on that misfortune because he was thrown headlong into another. Namely his churning stomach had finally revolted against him.

 

He didn't know how long he spent on his knees vomiting up the blood. He rarely over fed but lately with Isabelle, with them both feeding ever growing addictions he'd fed and fed past hunger on a blood so much richer than anything he'd ever drunk before. It had only been a matter of time before it happened, he could see that now though part of his mind still whispered that a little more of that sweet blood would solve things...

 

Eventually, he pulled himself up and wash his mouth out. Several times.

 

He was thankful that Magnus hadn't followed him in here though since he could still hear the warlock on the phone in the hallway he suspected that it wasn't that Magnus had chosen to spare that little bit of dignity. He was simply sidetracked.

 

Grabbing a towel Raphael wiped the sweat from his face. For vampires the withdrawals were harder but, at least, they were also quicker. He just needed it out of his system for the next 24 hours or so and then even though the cravings might creep up on him, he at least wouldn't be suffering. The same could not be said for Isabelle.

 

He took a breath that steadied his nerves and he let himself out, finding that as he had thought Magnus was in his hallway and having a very serious sounding discussion on the phone whilst also using the full length mirror to try on a hats from a nearby stand.

 

“Madzie was but is no longer safe,” Magnus informed him which could have been code for all Raphael knew, quite frankly, “But Valentine also has Clary.”

 

Raphael's hand came out to steady himself against the wall. That was, that was bad. Beyond bad.

 

He swallowed hard, tasting bloody bile again.

 

With his eyes still closed, he felt Magnus's hand on his side. He also knew without looking that that warlock was worried for him and so couldn't make himself look into that face and see it. Not yet.

 

“We need to do something...plan...you're talking to him?” Despite himself, he forced his eyes open and Magnus's expression was all he'd feared and worse. Magnus nodded and Raphael was glad he hadn't been made to clarify by naming Alec.

 

That was a further shame he felt and had had the decency to feel it at the time even though he'd still been high out of his mind. It was why he'd not really fought back at all, because he was a big brother. His baby sister was in her seventies and didn't know him but he would always be her big brother. Alec did exactly what he would have done.

 

“Tell him, tell him she'll be back very soon.” Raphael steeled himself and then stopped bracing himself against the wall. When the world seemed to stay steady, he headed back into the open plan lounge area and to where Isabelle was still laying. She looked disgruntled and was hugging herself now, the tremours were starting again.

Magnus, still on the phone, had followed him back in and now that Raphael was feeling a little more in control of himself, his vampire hearing was allowing him to listen to the conversation. From what he could tell Alec was on speakerphone and co-ordinating the rescue of Clary as well as teams that were hunting down something(s?) else. Magnus would have to fill in the gaps for Raphael there.  
  


Isabelle started to smiled as he came around the sofa and knelt down beside her.

“Raphael.”  


Before she could go any further, he shook his head. The air was heavy with the strong scent of angel blood but he would not, could not be weak. The downworld, his world, was in danger and his people needed him. This romp, this thing, it had been many things and it was deeply selfish on both their parts. Their people needed them and they were better than this.

 

Knowing that was one thing, putting it into practice was another and so he was glad that Magnus was there. Magnus who was on the phone and sending fire messages all at once and yet Raphael knew he was there for him. If he wavered or worse broke resolve and bite, Magnus would stop him.

 

He didn't want Magnus to need to step in though. He wanted to prove to Magnus that he had the strength.

 

Isabelle's face had taken on a hard and determined expression, one that Raphael had seen on Lightwoods that had come before her. Her runed arms coiled around his neck and pulled him closer as she said his name again.

 

“Raphael, I need you.” Her lips pressed to his ear and her tone was low, seductive.

He shook his head again, the scent of blood was so strong but it was now not just causing cravings but also reminding his still angry stomach of his not so pleasant time in the bathroom.

 

“You are a beautiful woman, Isabelle.” He told her, tenderly brushing dark hair back off of her face. There was no lie in it, even as she was beginning her own withdrawals she was beautiful.

 

“Unfortunately for you, you are talking to a man who doesn't have the fire you're trying to ignite. Seduce all you like, it's never been why I helped you. Why I _thought_ I was helping, but I am not and I see that now.”

 

She was a sexual creature, every pore of her screamed it. There was no shame in that, there was no judgement from him either it was simply a part of life that had never interested Raphael. Blood? Yes. Romance? Yes. Sex? No.  
It didn't horrify or repulse him, it just did nothing for him and there was a time that he'd thought himself broken. It was another thing that Magnus has helped him to understand about himself. He wasn't broken, he was asexual and he wasn't alone in this either.

 

Isabelle still had her arms around him and he could feel that the shakes were growing. He wrapped his own arms around her to try to offer a little comfort or support.

“No one is unseducable.” She said firmly, perhaps misunderstanding or perhaps it was something she had no knowledge of. Now wasn't the time to educate her on the existence of asexuality. “I don't believe you, you're not like my brother. I know you're not.”

 

“What I am doesn't matter,” If asexuality was beyond her right now, trying to teach her terms such as biromantic or homoromantic was certainly pointless. “We both need help from our families and our families need us. Valentine has Clary and the soul sword.”

 

It took a moment for the gravity of his words to sink in but he saw the moment they did, there was a panic in her eyes entirely different from her drive to get high.

 

“Clary? Damnit, I should have...I need to....Raphael, please, just one more time. I need it one more time or I can't help her.” This begging and obvious fear pulled at his heartstrings and weakened his resolve far more than her seduction attempt ever could.

Still he said no, though his tone trembled and he hurriedly extricated himself from her embrace.

 

“We can't. Just one more leads to again and again but we are better than this, we are.” He was convincing himself too and he didn't know what was to come this night but he needed to think straight. He'd ordered a hit out on Clary and this was why but if there was another way he'd listen. Perhaps. It had been Meliorn and his insinuations. Or had it, had it been getting to know Isabelle? She seemed to have barely listened but he'd listened to her. She was a person now and not just a shadowhunter and Clary mattered to her.

 

His thoughts were slower than usual and still getting muddled but then his ears caught the end of Alec saying something and his head snapped up. “What was that?” he demanded at Magnus vaguely aware of Isabelle looking around in a daze and getting up shakily. She was missing one of her shoes.

 

“Clary is safe but Valentine has kidnapped Simon.” Magnus repeatedly to them and Raphael's stomach churned again.

“I guess he broke his no-kidnapping streak, that sucks.” Isabelle was still looking to Raphael though and she carried on “He's a friend though and I need to help him so-”

 

Raphael shook his head “There will always be an excuse to not stop. You are going to your brother, Isabelle.”

 

“What? No! If you won't do it then there's plenty more vampires in this city and I'll go to one of them and it's on your head if they-”

 

And her voice vanished from the apartment. Not just the voice but Isabelle too, swallowed up by a portal that Magnus summoned around her as she spoke. All that was left was that one lone shoe.

 

Raphael sank down with a sigh of relief. It took him a moment to realise he was sat on his own coffee table but for once his house proud nature didn't care. “Thank you.”

“I did it for both of you. She's not herself but she'll get help. If she doesn't then that's not on you.”

 

Magnus wasn't on his phone now presumably because Alec was now dealing with the package they'd just portalled to him.

 

“And you need to rest, I'll call Catarina round to look after you and-”

 

“No.” He shook his head hard and his vision swam only slightly. “Rest later, Simon now.”

 

“Simon?” Magnus echoed and he was smiling, a surprised but pleased little smile. Well, at least Raphael wasn't completely disappointing him tonight. “I thought you'd disowned him?”

 

“Me too but he needs us so we'll do it.” Raphael felt stronger in his resolve now, a plan already formulating. “He's family.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so please don't think I was bashing Izzy. I love Izzy, but both she and Raphael are on come downs and addicts right now. Of course it's Raphael's pov so he's more sympathetic to himself but neither of them are having their best moments right now!


End file.
